Anthony Weiner is recovering in a NY hospital today after losing his penis in a bicycle accident.
“I have just been informed that my penis has been removed,” said Weiner to a reporter via phone. “I am very sad right now. Please let me go back to sleep and stop calling.”
Weiner was walking to visit a young ‘friend’ who he had been sexting with on Twitter when he was hit by a man on a messenger bike. The man fled the scene.
“This is clearly God punishing Anthony Weiner. If he had never sexted, the FBI would never have said anything last week and Hillary would have won,” said DNC chair Donna Brazile. “That guy’s penis helped get a megalomaniac elected. Anthony Weiner’s wiener has now officially screwed the world.”
Pressed on the election results, Brazile defended herself vigorously.
“It was all Anthony Weiner’s fault. Not mine or anyone else’s,” continued Brazille. “Anyone who suggests otherwise is obviously a racist, sexist BernieBro. I’m sure I will continue to have a job as head of the DNC even though Hillary lost. This is fine, everything is fine.”
Weiner is expected to make a full recovery, except for the whole ‘having a penis’ thing.