And now the answers to ASK GOD!
1. HUMAN: God, why is Humanity so messed up? Why do we have so many damn stupid people? You screwed up with humans God.
GOD: I know.
2. HUMAN: Why does God allow the rape of infants?
GOD: Full disclosure: God is not really all powerful and most of the time, God is pretty horrified by what goes on down on Earth.
3. HUMAN: God, do you get along with the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
GOD: Definitely! I eat spaghetti at least once a week. Don’t you? In all seriousness, the FSM is My mortal enemy. It is so silly but yet so awesome…it makes Me look equally ridiculous.
4. HUMAN: God, why can’t I lick my elbow?
GOD: You’re not trying hard enough. Keep trying. It can take a few years.
5. HUMAN: Does this look infected? I assume since you’re God, you can see what I’m talking about without a picture.
GOD: Yes, it’s very infected. Stop picking at it and go to the doctor.
6. HUMAN: God, have you ever had a 3some?
GOD: Pssh! That’s nothing. I’ve had a foursome with Me, Buddha, Ganesha and Jesus. That’s right, Jesus. There’s a pic online of it too. Apparently, anytime anyone fornicates these days it ends up on the Internet.
7. HUMAN: God, are you omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient? Seems like some redundancy. Also, stay out of my bathroom!
GOD: I’m not any of those things, but I kinda like it when people think I’m perfect, ya know? I love being praised. FYI – there’s a small piece of poop behind your toilet. It rolled back there one day while you were, well, you know.
8. HUMAN: God, what are the moral and ethical complication of making large sums of money by jamming one’s fist in a duck’s bottom? Well you said ask anything.
GOD: Jamming your fist up a duck’s butt is extremely immoral and unethical. The fact that you get paid well for it is irrelevant. Please quit that job. You’re better than this. And when your boss dies, a duck is going to jam its duck foot up his butt for all eternity. But knowing him, that sick old creep would enjoy it.
9. HUMAN: God, why does college have to cost so much? I’m in debt to the point where I don’t think I’ll ever pay anything off.
GOD: It costs that much because greed has gone unchecked for a long time. Old parasites dress in tweed and convince young humans they will be homeless losers forever unless they go to an expensive college. I am sorry that this has happened to you. I am currently working to smite the system and make college free for everyone.
10. HUMAN: Hey God, could you get Christians to stop praying for me? I find it creepy that strangers are going to be thinking long and hard about me to themselves.
GOD: I agree, it IS quite creepy. Many times a person will pray and then right after that they masturbate before going to bed. Or they fap and then pray, often without washing their hands. Humans are so disgusting. Thou shalt remove the cum from thy fingers before praying. Or don’t pray at all, because I don’t listen to people with cummy fingers.
11. HUMAN: G’day God, just wanted to ask you since you now have quite a few talented musicians and such up there now are you going to be releasing an album anytime soon?
GOD: We already had a ton of awesome musicians, but you’re right, we’ve been adding a lot more lately. The albums do get released, but only in Heaven. It’s one of the things that make Heaven so exclusive and cool. Be a good person, as you already are, and don’t worry! You’ll hear all their latest stuff someday.
12. HUMAN: God, Is this silly little planet totally, utterly and unequivocally doomed (by our own doing) ?
GOD: No. There is still hope yet for humans and the planet. It just requires good people of intelligence to rise up and fight vociferously for the future of mankind.
13. HUMAN: Why do so many intelligent people believe in You ( God )
GOD: They have grappled with the pain of existence and of losing loved ones. They don’t know what happens after death, but they are fond of the idea of Heaven and wish that it were true. They feel it is better to hope that it is true than live in the miserable belief that it is not. People are more than just their brain, they also have hearts, that love deeply.
14. HUMAN: God, why isn’t there a coloring section in the Bible?
GOD: Because the Bible is stupid and it sucks. Some people think you can use the pages to roll joints, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The ink will make you sick.
15. HUMAN: God, do you think I too can have a conversation with a flaming bush someday? Without appearing like a total nutjob?
GOD: Yes, you too can smoke a joint and get so high that you talk to it. But you will seem like a total nutjob, just like Moses.
16. HUMAN: You know what I’m going to ask (you’re god!), so please respond promptly!
GOD: Sigh. Your keys are under the couch, just like they always are. Be more careful with thy keys, wallet and phone.
17. HUMAN: Dear God, if i dont type amen why do kids die, starve, or satan wins? Do you really bother to check that stuff?
GOD: I loathe those social media posts. They are written by evil people who have no souls.
18. HUMAN: God, I was wondering why it’s only Christians who get possessed by demons? I’ve never heard of it happening to an atheist.
GOD: Because they’re going through a delusional state. No one has ever actually been possessed by demons before. They were all making it up to get attention.
19. HUMAN: FB God, why doesn’t everyone love you?
GOD: Because I speak the truth. For many people, the truth is hell.
20. HUMAN: Is the real reason I never get a reply from you because I’m trully damned, cursed, an my soul already belongs to the devil?
GOD: No. If you don’t get a reply from Me then I am very sorry. It just means that I am completely overwhelmed by the pressures of the Universe at the moment. If I could reply, I would say, “Hi, human! I love you. Keep being awesome!”
21. HUMAN: God, can you please not spy on me next time I pleasure myself? It really creeps me out.
GOD: But it’s MY JOB! If I don’t watch you masturbate, I might get fired.
22. HUMAN: If you had to have a week off “godding” who would be the one living human you would trust to stand in?
GOD: Ricky Gervais.
23. HUMAN: How was your day God? Did you make any new species or anything like that?
GOD: It was rough. I got fired because I didn’t watch a few humans masturbate. Hopefully I can get it back tomorrow. Also, when I came home, My dinner was burnt.