NEW YORK – The FBI on Wednesday raided the headquarters of the Wall Street investment firm Goldman Sachs and arrested the entire executive board, including CEO Lloyd Blankfein.
“We’ve been after Goldman Sachs for years,” said an FBI representative. “There’s no reality where these criminals were gonna get away with their crimes forever.”
FBI forces stormed the reception desk at Goldman Sachs shortly after 9am, tossing containers of knockout gas into conference rooms and shared workspaces to pacify resistance.
“Usually when you go to arrest one of these Wall Street perps, they try to get away or worse, they reach for a stapler,” said FBI representative Jacob Cooper. “When I apprehended the CEO, I made sure to stomp on his foot and kick him in the balls before I slammed him onto the floor face first. Then I put the handcuffs on extra tight. You gotta show these corporate scumbags who’s boss or else they walk all over you.”
Goldman Sachs, which just yesterday admitted that they defrauded millions of people and caused the 2008 financial collapse, must also pay a 5.1 billion dollar fine to the government.
“These crooks are going away for a long time,” said presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, commenting on the news. “Their shameless greed ruined the lives of millions of people. It’s not like they just got caught with a little bit of weed. These are real criminals and we’re going to lock them up for the rest of their lives.”
The Goldman Sachs arrests come as a surprise, as the Wall Street firm has spent years bribing and purchasing the loyalty of almost every politician in the US government.