Four Republican candidates for president were arrested on Monday by the FBI for inciting domestic terrorism. They are expected to be prosecuted by a military tribunal and sent to Guantanamo Bay.
The candidates arrested were Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, and Donald Trump.
“This is outrageous,” fumed terrorist leader Donald Trump. “The rules are that I’m rich and so I get to say whatever I want, no matter how racist or violent. OW! Watch the hair!”
Trump’s statement was interrupted by FBI officials who pushed him into a black SUV, slamming his head against the door and roof of the car several times.
“Please don’t let them punch me anymore,” whined terrorist leader Ben Carson. “I promise to stop saying things that encourage terrorism. I was just trying to sound tough because I’m a total fraud and so I’ve been overcompensating.”
Ben Carson’s statement was also cut short as an FBI official tasered him to get him to stop mumbling and be quiet.
“We’re not messing around anymore,” said the head of the FBI’s counter-terrorism unit, Andrew McCabe. “Domestic terrorism, Christian terrorism, Muslim terrorism…it’s all terrorism. No longer can we treat one as less dangerous, just because it’s being perpetrated by white people.”
At press time, terrorist leaders Mike Huckabee and Carly Fiorina were being tortured for information and so were unable to comment at all.