And now the answers to Ask God!
1. God, could you please stop this prank of an election? I think You’ve carried it on a bit too far, and it’s really NOT funny anymore.
GOD: How is this suddenly MY fault? I don’t think I should all the credit for everything. I get too much credit for the good stuff (Oscars, Superbowl Wins, Successful Surgeries) already. That said, I shouldn’t get the blame for all the bad stuff either.
Humans have free will. Some of them choose to become huge lying scumbag politicians. The rest of the humans have free will too. They choose to vote for the huge lying scumbags. I didn’t choose any of this, you did.
2. Why did you crash my wedding?! We asked the officiant to keep it secular but there you were… front row and center… You’re such an attention whore.
GOD: Hey, I didn’t do that! As I recall, the first words out of your officiant’s mouth were “marriage is a union under god.” And after you had explicitly told him to keep it secular! He’s the jackhole your honor, not Me. And why does everything always have to be under Me anyway? They make Me sound like some sick domineering pervert creep who always has to be on top.
3. Why is there no money to fund drug programs, education, health care, and assistance for the needy but there is plenty to continue (a never ending) war over seas, and line politicians/corporations pockets?
GOD: Because the powers that be don’t really give a fuck about any of you. They care about lining their own pockets and the pockets of their friends. Oh sure, they look themselves in the mirror and lie, they pretend they are good people. But at the end of the day it always comes down to money and they always sell you out. I still can’t believe that the USA doesn’t have free universal healthcare. What a messed up country.
4. Why are so many Trump supporters defending his “grab that pussy” comments?
Why do they immediately jump to “but Bill, but Hillary” as if that cancels out his admission to sexual assault?
GOD: Because they would defend him no matter what. Trump (by his own admission) attempted to cheat on his wife with another man’s wife but got shot down because he’s a creep. Yet the same Christian conservatives who shouted that same-sex marriage would ‘destroy the institution of marriage’ don’t seem to care about the adulterous intentions of Rapey Donald.
5. God, HOW is marijuana still a schedule 1 drug in the united States and many other countries, when it’s been proven to have significant medical benefits?
GOD: Humans are…how can I put this delicately? Stupid AF. They make their voting decisions based around nonsense and ancient prejudices. The zombies deserve to eat your brains. You’re not using them anyway.
6. When my leukemia kills me, will you grant me 70 virgin, smooth-chested, well-endowed handsome young Arab angels to help me deal with the soul-crushing monotony of singing your praises throughout eternity?
GOD: Yes, yes I will. And you know what else? You don’t have to sing My Praises for all eternity. The worshippy area is only for people who want that. You’ll get to go to Cool Heaven where it’s a non-stop party.
7. Could you please keep reminding Trump supporters to vote on Nov 28th? Thanks, … oh, and could we please not have WWIII with the Russia -Ukraine- Syrian thing, and maybe transform it into WW
GOD: World Wide Love? I can’t make you love each other, Me knows I’ve tried. I’m not in favor of encouraging people to vote on the wrong day though, even if they are a bunch of turds. Democracy should be democratic. There should be tons of debates and the voting day should be a national holiday so everyone can do it.
But hey, whatever. I always preferred monarchies. Much more easy to control.
8. Is there a SPECIAL spot picked out in HELL for TRUMP?????
GOD: Yes, yes there is.
9. Being a devout atheist he’s probably not with you but if you could somehow get a hold of George Carlin and let him know we need him to come back (at least until January 20th) I think humanity would benefit. If you need collateral we can offer 6 Kardashians and a West.
GOD: That’s a terrible deal. What kind of idiot do you take God for? Why must all your trade offers insult My Divine Intelligence? George Carlin doesn’t want to come back, he loathes humans and Earth in general. He is also confused as to why you are so upset, when it has always been this way. You have always been handed an illusion of choice. The game has always been rigged. He is also quite amused with the latest developments.
Let’s examine the facts:
– Trump tried to cheat on his wife with another man’s wife
– Trump bragged to a bush about grabbing pussies
– As a result, Trump’s chances of winning the election are now fucked
Yes, George Carlin is laughing his ass off at all of this.
10. I know there’s a special hell for people who take advantage of innocent women, or talk at the theater. Is there a special heaven, and if so, who gets in?
GOD: A special Heaven? Sure there is! There is a special Heaven for everyone, catered just to your tastes! Are you a cat lady? You get to go to Kitty Heaven! Only like to visit cats some time? Stay in regular Heaven and visit Kitty Heaven on a day trip! Are you the kind that likes to rock and roll all night and party every day? Then take a visit to Cool Heaven, where it’s ALWAYS New Year’s Eve! Or maybe you just love to pray and give biggups to God? Then spend a relaxing day at Lame Heaven and pray the day away.
NOTE: There is no more vacancy in Heavon, which is the ghetto of Heaven.
11. Why don’t you converse as freely as you did with people 5000 years ago instead of only occasionally appearing on a piece of toast in Mexico nowadays?
GOD: I do! I just answered your question and the questions of 10 other people! I couldn’t possibly be more accessible. And I don’t just appear on toast. I also appear on merchandise. Want God to appear on a mug in your home or office? I can do so for a small appearance fee.
Sigh. I wish the church didn’t keep all those donations for themselves. God is terrible with money and has bills to pay.
12. Two women just came forward as having been ‘inappropriately touched’ by Donald Trump. Will more be coming?
GOD: Yes. In fact, I am one of his victims. I confronted him once in 1987 for being the scumbag that he is. I was in his office for exactly 30 seconds before he handed Me some tic-tacs and went lunging for My Genitals. I turned around as fast as I could but he did not stop and…well…he ended up grabbing the Holy Anus. I promptly sharted in his face and got out of there.
I’m willing to testify in court. SMITE!