HEAVEN – God held a press conference today to demand that the United States of America remove the words ‘In God We Trust’ from their national currency.
“The LORD God demands you remove the phrase ‘In God We Trust’ from thy filthy money at once,” boomed God from the Holy Podium. “I don’t want to be associated with the USA anymore. It is a silly place, full of many stupid, stupid idiots.”
God stressed that this change must be made for many reasons, such as public relations.
“Do you have any idea how disgusting money is?” said God. “Most of it’s covered in fecal matter and cocaine. People are snorting coke off God. That makes Me look bad.”
God was also angry about the implied responsibility for the continued well-being of the United States of America.
“It’s like they’re trying to shame Me into always keeping them safe and rich,” said God. “Why are you putting all this on Me? God bless you, God bless America, in God we blah blah blah…just leave Me alone, you freaks.”
Atheist activists have been trying to remove the controversial phrase from US currency for decades.
“It feels weird to say this, but I’d like to thank God,” said David Silverman of American Atheists. “I’ll need some more empirical evidence, but if God can actually get this done, I might have to reconsider my atheism.”
Republicans in Congress have attacked God’s statement as being unpatriotic and blasphemous.
“We will never remove God from our money,” said Republican Senator Orrin Hatch on Fox News. “Money is better than God and more reliable too. When the devil wants to put you in prison for a drugs and prostitution scandal, money bribes everyone and redeems you. And when you want to fly to Thailand to have sex with young boys, who gets you there? Money. Beautiful, sweet money.”
God has given Congress 10 days to pass legislation removing the phrase ‘In God We Trust’ from US currency. If not the USA may be in store for several plagues.
“It’s been a while since I’ve attacked a country with plagues,” said God, thoughtfully stroking the Holy Beard. “This time I will strike with a plague of bills, a plague of lost cell phones, a plague of shitty reception, a plague of lead contaminated water, a plague of voting irregularities, a plague of horrible presidential candidates, and a plague of unforgivably stupid idiots! SMITE!”