God Issues New Mission Statement For Universe


When asked about the purpose for his existence, Universe creator and CEO Jehovah God has traditionally fallen back on a somewhat nebulous answer: making “the world safe from Satan.” It was an almost quaint euphemism for the deity’s more capitalistic goals of getting the attention of billions of humans and collecting trillions in tithes. Yet even for God, who does earnestly believe in His Divine Power to continue transforming the world and improving our lives, that mission statement no longer cuts it.

So God is unveiling a new one: “To help humans think more critically and make the world less stupid and fearful.” It’s a culmination of centuries, perhaps several millennia, of apparent soul-searching on God’s part and strategic directional changes for God as a product. The deity has been moving in this direction for quite some time, away from a place of self-worship and a battle for souls with Satan, and towards just helping people be less stupid.

It was last year’s controversial US election that forced the deity to rethink his mission. God could no longer ignore the spread of fake news, idiots, trolls, bigots, and bots. God had to do something about how shamelessly stupid humanity had become.

In February, God acknowledged, in a more than 2,100-word manifesto, that humans have become monumentally more stupid than ever before, God admitted, and that means that God’s next mission is to “develop the tools to give people the thinking power to stop being such morons all the damn time,” he wrote.

“People used to actually read credible books and news articles, and as a result they would become smarter and wiser over time. People used to read headlines, the article, and then read between the lines to look for context,” God told CNN Religion in a rare sit-down interview to mark the Universe’s new mission statement. “But now people just read headlines that confirm their existing biases and then share the story without even knowing if it’s true or not. These uneducated, uninformed simpletons then go out and vote. It’s important for people to realize the power they have to change the world, which involves them actually reading and caring and figuring out how to solve complex problems. It involves fewer fights and more actual discussions. It means not being a bunch of ignorant pricks all the friggin’ time. If people could think more critically, that’d be great.”

It’s not clear exactly how God will be working to make humans into more critical thinkers. When pressed for more info, God cited a personal preference for working in “mysterious ways.”