President Obama announced today that he is asking all townships to cancel their Halloween activities this year and encourage trick-or-treaters to stay home, citing fears over the growing ‘scary clown’ epidemic gripping the USA.
“I don’t know about any of you, but I’ve always been scared of clowns,” said Obama during a press conference. “When I was a kid, I had wallpaper in my room with clowns and they gave me nightmares. I will not allow these scary clown extremists to frighten our nation’s children anymore.”
The president did not rule out using drone strikes to wipe out the growing clown threat.
“Are they as dangerous as ISIS? Are they working with ISIS? Our intelligence community doesn’t know yet for sure, but they are very scary,” said Obama. “I keep asking my Secret Service people to sweep the White House backyard for clowns. I’m pretty sure I saw one lurking in the bushes last night.”
It is unlike the president to show fear and panic of this kind.
“Sure, I’ve faced down all kind of threats as president, but this is different,” said Obama. “We’re not talking about Putin, or terrorists, or the economy. We’re talking about scary clowns! I have mobilized the national guard. This is a matter of national security.”
Republican presidential nominee and national joke Donald Trump responded to news of Halloween’s cancellation.
“I am very disappointed at the president’s decision, very sad,” said Trump in a video. “I love Halloween, I clean up every year. I walk right up to little kids and grab them in the candy bag. When you’re grown up you can do whatever you want.”
An Alabama man dressed as Ronald McDonald now sits at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list.