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Hillary Clinton Responds To Dakota Access Pipeline Protests

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Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton responded to the ongoing oil pipeline protests in North Dakota today.

Clinton spoke with reporters after meeting with Senate Democrats on Capitol Hill. One reporter asked what she would do about the Dakota Access Pipeline if elected president.

“Tribal leaders have asked me to help, and that is what I intend to do. As I have always said, it is important that all views are considered before we finally agree to let the pipeline be built through their sacred tribal lands. All sides deserve to be heard before protesters are ultimately beaten, arrested and removed from the construction site. Almost all of the parties involved want the pipeline to happen – including President Obama, the federal government, the very generous and good pipeline company, my Wall Street contributors, me, and the good state of North Dakota. Really the only people that are in the way are these dirty hippies and BernieBro protesters who are pretending to be Native Americans. As the police sweep out these stoned peasants, it’s important that these people respect the legal rights of the police to use brutal violence on them.”

In recent weeks police have used military vehicles, pepper spray, rubber bullets, and tear gas against the water protector protesters of the Dakota Access Pipeline, which is owned by an oil and gas company named Energy Transfer Partners.

“Protesting is no way to get things done,” said Hillary Clinton. “I encourage these protesters to study, do good research, and learn that they should give up on their hippie pipe dreams. Resistance is futile! Nothing can stop this pipeline dream of mine now. Oil companies have donated way too much to my campaign.”

Former Secretary of State Clinton was unusually forthcoming about her feelings on the subject.

“If you want to get something done in this world, you should do so in the political arena,” said Clinton. “It’s not that complicated. All you need to do is sell your soul for money. Then, just ignore all consequences and cheat as hard and as much as you can.”

We followed up with the Clinton Campaign about her unusually blunt statements. Clinton advisor Charlie Galbraith said Secretary Clinton had gone to a dentist appointment earlier in the day and was likely still high on painkillers.