Ivanka Trump Disavows Her Father


Holding a press conference one day before the 2016 election, Ivanka Trump publicly disavowed her father, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump today.

“It is with great determination that I must officially disavow my father’s presidential campaign today,” said Ivanka Trump. “Before this campaign I was not fully aware of who my father was. Looking back now, the things he has said and done throughout his life are totally unconscionable.”

“If it’s possible to know your father and not really know him at all, that describes my situation. My father is clearly not qualified to be president. By now that much should be obvious to anyone with a halfway working brain. If he was a contestant on the Celebrity Apprentice he would get fired in the first week. He is not a smart man.”

Ivanka Trump also discussed the controversial statements made by her father and the personal revelation she has come to.

“The other day I was talking about it with my husband Jared and he made me realize some things,” said Ivanka. “For one thing, I think my Dad actually wants to have sex with me. I’ve spent years in therapy with the special psychiatrist my Dad provided and never realized this. He’s just said so many disgusting over-the-line things about my looks over the years….Jared is right. My dad wants to bang me.”

Many have questioned the timing of this move, as Ivanka is clearly worried about trying to save her fashion brand from a boycott that has hurt her business. The boycott started in October because of her father’s controversial presidential campaign.

“Please do not take this to mean that I am endorsing Hillary Clinton, or anyone for that matter. The beauty of America is that you can vote for whoever you want. Just please stop boycotting my brand, I really love having lots of money. I don’t think I could handle being a poor.”

According to the data, sales of her cheaply-made products have jumped off a cliff since the start of the boycott in mid-October.