Kanye West Declares War On France


NEW YORK – After Kim Kardashian West was held at gunpoint by robbers pretending to be police in her Paris hotel room Sunday night, Kanye West responded to the situation on Monday.

“Last night my wife was held at gunpoint and her life threatened. I would like to thank everyone who sent well wishes and support,” said Kanye West, speaking to reporters. “That said, Kanye is officially declaring war on the nation of France.”

Kanye’s frustration with France might just be justified. Kim Kardashian West was overseas for Paris Fashion Week with her family. She did not have a good week. Soon after her arrival she was groped by an Instragram prankster. The next day a group of Parisian pigeons defecated on her. On Sunday night she was held at gunpoint. She has now returned to the USA and Kanye.

“Fuck Paris, Kanye is done with that rat-infested shit-hole,” said an outraged Kanye West. “I’m gonna hunt down these robbers and kick their ass. Then I’m gonna take out the entire French military and nuclear arsenal. Kanye gonna take over that whole damn country.”

“For real though, all the trolls and haters online who think it’s funny to wish for Kim’s death, what the hell is wrong with you, man? It ain’t no joke. Kanye knows funny and that ish ain’t funny. It lacks all subtlety or class. A lot of people out there are really sick in the head.”

At least one of Kanye’s most vocal critics agrees with him.

“I hate to admit it, but Kanye kind of has a point here. I hate everything about Kim Kardashian and even I’m glad she’s okay,” said Twitter user and comedian Joe McMurphy, who has bashed the duo relentlessly for years. “In general I don’t enjoy it when a wife and mother gets murdered in cold blood.”

Yet despite the pleas for civility from the West family, thousands of online Twitter trolls are still quite pissed that Kim Kardashian wasn’t killed last night.

“Is it so much to ask for any good news this year?” said one Twitter user. “All the greatest musicians are dying this year. Why not someone awful like Kim Kardashian? Why couldn’t they just blow her brains out? Why can’t God just kill one horrible famous person just this once? I’d gladly trade all the Kardashians to get David Bowie or Prince back. Oh well, at least they stole 12 million dollars and psychologically traumatized her for life.”

Kanye West plans to launch his invasion of France soon, but admits that creating his own military forces to rival France “may be a little difficult.”