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New ‘Bathroom Bill’ To Ban Priests From Using Public Bathrooms

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BURLINGTON, VERMONT – Lawmakers in Vermont are working to pass a bill that would make it illegal for Catholic priests to use public bathrooms. The measure is aimed at protecting children from molestation.

On Monday, Vermont Governor Peter Shumlin (D) was interviewed by Good Morning America to discuss his support for the bill to “keep pedophiles out of public bathrooms.”

“Common sense,” Shumlin said. “Common decency and all the evidence says that, at this point, and after all that has happened, Catholic priests should stay out of public bathrooms and away from our children.”

Shumlin blasted the Catholic Church, which has gone out of its way to protect pedophile priests from facing justice. Shumlin is asking other Vermonters to join him in boycotting the Catholic Church.

“This is not about being anti-religion. I am totally in favor of people’s religious beliefs. I am not an atheist,” Shumlin said in the interview. “But I don’t want any child molesting priests going into any public bathroom.”

The bill is still in development and other high-risk groups, such as wrestling coaches, may also be banned from using public bathrooms.

“Did you see what happened with Dennis Hastert?” said Shumlin. “He was a high school wrestling coach. We cannot afford to take chances when it comes to protecting our children from these monsters.”

Dennis Hastert, former Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives, was recently convicted for a series of child molestation crimes he committed while still a high school wrestling coach.

“In addition to being a huge child molester, Hastert was a huge Republican too,” said John Patrick, the Vermont State Senator leading the effort to write the Priest Bathroom Bill. “While we’re at it, we better add Republican politicians to the bill. Those freaks better learn to use the bathroom at home.”

Due to many high profile child molestation cases within the Catholic Church in recent decades, the priesthood has earned a reputation for rampant pedophilia.

“I just don’t feel safe with those types of people being around my kids,” said Arthur Tremblay, a father of four who owns a gas station in Burlington. “They’re grown men who wear dresses all day long, pretend they’re virgins, and then lecture people on how to live…bunch of transubstantiating pedophiles if you ask me.”

A representative of the Catholic Church rejected the premise of the bill.

“This Priest Bathroom Bill makes ridiculous generalizations,” said Bishop George Malone of the Catholic Diocese in Burlington, Vermont. “The vast majority of priests are excellent human beings. Personally, I know at least one or two Catholic priests who I’m almost certain are not pedophiles.”

Malone said arguments that Catholic priests are a threat are bogus, and the Priest Bathroom Bill is completely unnecessary.

“Priests are more likely to be the victims of molestation than anyone,” Malone said. “Usually by Bishops, as is tradition. Bishops get molested by Archbishops, Archbishops get molested by Cardinals and so on and so forth. The Pope can molest anyone at anytime. That’s how it is, that’s how it’s always been.”

Polls show that 76% of Vermont citizens support the Priest Bathroom Bill. The bill is expected to pass.

3 Comments on "New ‘Bathroom Bill’ To Ban Priests From Using Public Bathrooms"

  1. Laurie Lyon | June 15, 2016 at 8:36 pm |

    If this were only true the world would be in a lot better place.

  2. John Mchael | July 8, 2016 at 11:41 pm |

    Give ’til it hurts! The church needs the money!

  3. The Church doesn’t need the money. The Vatican has tons of gold bars in it’s cellar!

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