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Pope Vows To Crush Rising Religions Of Star Wars and Pokemon Go

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VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis issued a papal law on Monday, stating that any Catholic who is caught watching Star Wars or playing Pokemon Go will be excommunicated.

With the issuance of this rule, the church appears to be attempting to crush the rising religions of Star Wars and Pokemon Go.

“Catholics must observe the First Commandment, which is ‘Thou shalt have no other gods before me.’ Too many have turned from worship of God to the worship of fantasies such as Star Wars and Pokemon Go. This must end,” Pope Francis wrote in the papal law.

Over the last several decades, thousands of Catholics have left Catholicism behind for a new belief system such as Star Wars or Pokemon Go.

“The sins of Star Wars or Pokemon go obsession cannot continue to go unpunished,” said Pope Francis during a speech on Sunday in Rome. “I commit myself to destroying the rising threat of fantasy cults, and I promise that all those nerds responsible will be held accountable.”

“The Roman Catholic Church is in rapid decline. We cannot afford to keep losing numbers to Stars Wars, Pokemon Go, or any other brand of made-up nonsense that comes along. We need people to focus on our brand of made-up nonsense,” said Pope Francis. “Why is there no Popemon Go? Children should be hunting for angels, not little monster demons.”

Pope Francis was even more blunt on Twitter today.

PopeFrancis_PokemonGo

Critics charge that the Pope and the Church have overstepped their bounds in banning Star Wars and Pokemon Go.

“Why stop there? Why not also ban Harry Potter? Game of Thrones?” said a representative from the Star Wars Zone Online Fan Club. “As a follower of The Force, I am deeply offended. The Pope has gone mad with power and joined the Dark Side.”

“But Pokemon Go takes me to church all the time,” said one anonymous Pokemon Go user and Ex-Catholic. “They always put the rarest Pokemon in churches. It’s almost like a conspiracy to catch us in the act.”

The Pope personally approves all excommunications.

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