The Republican National Committee made an official announcement today that they have begun the process to replace Donald J. Trump as Republican presidential nominee.
“It is with great determination that the RNC has decided to remove Gropey Donald Trump as our candidate,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus at a press conference. “We will do everything in our power to replace him with someone sane. Out of respect for women, we Republicans will find another male candidate who gives off a decidedly less rapey vibe.”
However, this task may prove difficult.
“Let’s face it, many of our other leading Republicans also seem like the kind of men who would commit sexual assault,” continued Priebus. “Mike Pence, Marco Rubio, Paul Ryan, they all give off a rapey vibe too. Ted Cruz not only gives off a rapey vibe he also gives off a serial killer vibe. We’re really screwed.”
They will also need to pressure Trump to step down first, which he has already claimed he will not do.
“That’s right, I grab pussies,” said a defiant Trump in his apology video. “I’ve groped many of your mothers and daughters and will continue to do so as your president. I’m going to win this election because many, many Americans are huge morons.”
Trump has seen an outpouring of support online from evangelical Christian groups since audio revealing his proclivity for sexual assault was leaked.