HOUSTON – Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio showed up at a Trump rally in Texas today and punched Donald Trump in the face.
“Rubio walks in with his whole crew and said ‘F-you, Trump,’” said James Hardy, a Trump supporter at the rally. “Then he jumped up on the stage and decked the Donald. Rubio’s more athletic than he looks. I gained a lot of respect for him today, he’s got my vote now.”
According to witnesses, Trump dropped to the ground and started crying. After punching Trump, Rubio then pushed Chris Christie over, who rolled into the crowd like a bowling ball. Nine Trump supporters were toppled like bowling pins and taken to the hospital with severe injuries. Rubio then grabbed the microphone.
“This rally is now mine, and all of you are voting for me now,” said Rubio, pausing to take a sip of water. “Look at Donald on the floor, crying like a little bitch. Who’s the choke artist now, asshole?”
Rubio then kicked Trump in the testicles and Trump vomited. Since news of the attack, Rubio has skyrocketed in every poll in the nation and is now in first place.
“This is the kind of thing that Republicans respect,” said GOP pollster Frank Luntz. “It’s a brilliant political move. I’m not sure why someone didn’t just kick Trump’s ass and call him a bitch before.”
Although having one of the most punchable faces in history, Ted Cruz has somehow thus far escaped this election cycle without getting punched in the face.