The world has never seen a douche like this.
Although he had already left the Olympics and went home, Ryan Lochte won a gold medal in spectacular fashion Saturday, once again demolishing his rivals in the 200m individual douche medley and setting up what turned into a historic night for U.S. Douchebaggery.
Lochte, who is considered one of the pioneers of the sport, was at first not expected to win the gold in this category at these Olympics. But a late surge by Lochte proved critical to securing the gold.
“After all that I’ve been through; getting drunk in Brazil, pissing on a wall, destroying a door, lying about it and saying I was robbed at gunpoint by Latin thieves, getting caught and being hated by the entire world…it’s just nice to get some recognition for being a douche for once, ya know? I work really hard at being a douche all year long and so it’s nice when people notice.”
Rio is the second straight Olympics Lochte has taken gold in the event, and he did so by a wide margin, far outpacing his douchey rivals.
“Right now, I don’t know what I’ll do next, maybe run for politics?” Lochte said of his future. “Maybe I could be a stock market bro, or just be a TV sports dude. I don’t know. There are just so many good options when you’re a total douche.”