KANSAS – While touring Kansas today, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was tortured and crucified by the establishment.
“My boss says we have to do everything we can to stop Bernie from getting elected,” said MSNBC reporter Kasie Hunt. “Today that involves demanding he quit even though he just raised 42 million dollars and won 4 swing states…at other times it can mean strongly suggesting that all of his supporters are sexist racist commies. Many times we just don’t mention his name for weeks so people don’t know about him. And of course, as always, it also involves stabbing and crucifying him as much as possible.”
If elected, Sanders has vowed to raise taxes on billionaires significantly. He has also advocated raising the minimum wage and providing healthcare to the poor. Naturally, the establishment is determined to kill him.
“Why God, why?” cried out the Jewish former carpenter, bleeding out from his Jesus-sized hand-holes. “Why have you forsaken me??”
God soon noticed and took Bernie down from the cross and healed his hand wounds.
“Keep going, Bernie!” boomed God from Heaven. “Jesus and I are both feeling the Bern. Don’t worry, when the media crucifies you again tomorrow, I’ll save you yet again. You got this.”
The news media vowed to continue to do everything it can to thwart the will of God. They also vowed to continue to manipulate the masses into thinking that the system can never change and that their vote doesn’t matter.