Hi, humans! God here. Merry Christmas.
Every year I struggle to buy My Son Jesus a gift for his birthday, which falls on Christmas. His birthday and Christmas are technically the same thing. You’d think I would only need to get him one gift. But he demands two gifts. At LEAST two gifts and they better be good. I mean, this is Jesus we’re talking about, this is no person to get cheap on. Especially not Me. He sacrificed his life to clean up some of My PR mistakes. I was never around when he was a boy and I left him hanging in his hour of need…not sure anything can make up for that now.
What do you get for the guy that can turn water into wine? He can essentially use magic to make anything he wants. It takes a lot of thought and consideration. Here’s a list of ten things I got Jesus for Christmas this year.
Ten Things God Gave Jesus For Christmas This Year
10. A Subscription To A Pornography Website Of His Choosing
Everyone’s been waiting a long time for his Second Coming. Haha. Seriously though, I don’t think Jesus even knows how to masturbate. It’s time for that boy to broaden his horizons by learning how to crucify his cross.
9. Protection from Bigots
There are a lot of bigots who don’t like middle eastern looking people…or Jews for that matter. If Jesus is ever to return to Earth, he’s going to need an Iron Man suit to keep him safe. I can’t afford that, so I got him a coupon for one full-time bodyguard.
8. Bling, Lotion, and Incense
I got these three wise guys to do the delivery.
7. World Peace
Jesus wants nothing more than for people to get along and love each other. He desires an end to war and suffering. An end to suffering is not something I can make happen due to the existence of free will. So instead I got him a Hachimal. That’s the best that I (or any parent) can do. Jesus played with it for about 30 seconds before he put it down and walked away.
6. Driving Lessons
People are always asking for Jesus to take the wheel and he freezes up everytime. You know why? He doesn’t know how to drive. It’s led to countless fatalities. A few driving lessons might help Jesus save you.
5. Some Nine Inch Nails Albums
He’s never gotten into this band, he’s got some kind of issue with them. They’re amazing though, so I got him their complete discography. I’m hoping he gives it a listen.
4. The NORRÅSEN Laptop Table from Ikea
It’s been a long time since Jesus did some carpentry. He’s the only one in the Trinity with the patience to build that stuff. The NORRÅSEN Laptop Table is simple and perfectly suited to his level of skill at carpentry. He needs a new laptop table anyway.
3. Rockler Nail Remover
If he’s going to do some carpentry, Jesus will need one of these. I threw in a tool kit too.
2. A Paternity Test
Jesus asked for this, in fact it was the top item on his list. So I made sure that Joseph and I got a paternity test done with Mary. As expected, the paternity test confirmed that I, the LORD, am his father. Jesus seemed kind of let down.
1. An Apology
I hadn’t planned on it, but once I saw Jesus upset with the paternity test, I suddenly remembered why. After all, Jesus was born in a stable. I was never around. I never spent any time with him when he was a kid. Cats and the cradle and all that. Also I let him get crucified. He’s still sore over that.
So I took Jesus to a side room in the palace, hugged him, and apologized. I’m not sure if it worked, but I did it. I also asked him if he wanted to play a game of baseball toss and catch. I believe that is what it is called. He said he would consider it. Good enough for God.