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Trump Apologizes For Distracting Nation, Quietly Exits Presidential Race

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NEW YORK, NY – Donald Trump held a press conference today to apologize for all the things he’s said and indicated that he is dropping out of the presidential race.

“Over the last several months, years, some might say decades, I’ve been kind of a jerk,” said Trump. “I called a lot of people losers. But I see now that I’m a big, big loser too.”

It seems that Mr. Trump couldn’t handle slipping to second place to neuro-surgeon Ben Carson in a recent poll.

“Trump can’t be second place to that egghead,” said Trump. “’It’s terrible! ‘Cause that guy has marbles in his mouth.”

He concluded by withdrawing from the presidential race.

“I said I’d never say this unless it were true, but I’m sorry. I was wrong about everything,” said Trump matter-of-factly. “All I ever wanted to do was promote the Apprentice and maybe get some attention, but it blew up in my face, I didn’t think it would turn into what it did. Maybe I need to talk to a shrink, yeah I’m gonna do that. Anyway, congratulations America! You’re great again, you were always great, ’cause I was just saying stuff to get racists to like me.”

And then with a very sad, sad backward glance, Trump lifted himself by his toupee and rode his escalator into the sky.

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