Donald Trump announced that he will be skipping the first presidential debate with Hillary Clinton on Monday night, citing a mysterious illness.
“I’m not sure what I have, but it’s strong, it might be Zika,” said Trump to reporters. “Or maybe Crooked Hillary infected me with her pneumonia. I can’t go and it’s really sad!”
“I want to make America great again but I just can’t tonight, sorry!” said Trump. “I’m gonna be in and out of the bathroom all night long. It’s disgusting! Excuse me.”
For her part, Hillary Clinton’s team says she is still attending tonight’s debate.
“Hillary would still go to this debate is she were dead and win,” said Robby Mook, Clinton’s campaign manager. “In fact that’s kind of what’s happening, she’s taking enough painkillers and steroids to kill a horse. Also she’s dead inside, so there’s that.”
Reaction to news of Trump backing out is expected to be fierce. 80% of Americans were really looking forward to watching the reality spectacle on an otherwise boring Monday night.