And now the answers to ASK GOD!
1. HUMAN: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
GOD: First I made the rooster. Then I looked upon him and saw that he was lonely and horny. So I took one of his ribs and made the chicken. The rooster and the chicken banged and banged and soon the chicken made a bunch of eggs.
Then the LORD rejoiced and had a tasty omelette.
2. HUMAN: If you really exist, why don’t you show yourself to prove it to the whole world?
GOD: I suffer from several disorders that prevent that…every disorder in fact. I’m omnipotent, therefore I’m also omnicrazy. I’m afraid of public speaking and extremely shy. Also, every time I hang out with humans it leads to a lot of dead humans. Besides, if I proved My Existence it would forever cheapen My Divine Presence. Hollywood would devour the LORD. Before long I’d be just another Oprah.
3. HUMAN: What makes us call Your name and not our partner, when we are about to have an orgasm?
GOD: You do this because you know that it’s wrong, so very, very dirty and wrong to blaspheme the LORD’s name when you’re getting banged on a Friday night. This heightens the pleasure for you. It’s okay though, I don’t mind the constant moans of “OH MY GOD OH MY GAAAAWDD!” I take it as praise.
4. HUMAN: If men are from Mars, women from Venus, who comes from Uranus?
GOD: People who are pieces of shit. All pieces of shit come from Uranus.
5. HUMAN: Since Jesus came back from the dead, can he turn other people into Jesus by biting them?
GOD: Yes, of course. Jesus can do anything he wants. If it ever looks like Jesus is going to bite you, he can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.
6. HUMAN: What were you doing before creating time and space?
GOD: Sleeping, mostly. Sometimes I would wake up to grab an extra blanket. It was frigging freezing in the void.
7. HUMAN: How did Adam and Eve populate the world without incest???
GOD: They didn’t. There was rampant incest back then. You’re all inbred hillbillies.