And now the answers to ASK GOD!
1. HUMAN: What happens to parents who make excuses for their children who have molested their sisters? You know, like the Duggars?
GOD: Everyone finds out that they’re horrible parents and their lives are forever ruined. THEY. DO. NOT. GET. FORGIVEN. Not by Me, anyway. Why would I? Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are icky, vile people who have the nerve to condemn gay people…when they know their son is sexually molesting their daughters. They knew and they did NOTHING to stop it. For years. No, God will not be forgiving these cretins. God shall get their TV show cancelled and take away all their money. SMITE!
2. HUMAN: Narwhals but no unicorns–why?
GOD: Unicorns got tired of being chased around for hugs .by humans all the time, so they took to the sea and became Narwhals.
3. HUMAN: Do you really get mad when I say “God Dammit!!!!”??? Because I say it a dozen times a day or better….
GOD: Not really. Dammit is My Last Name. Also, I’m always in the mood to damn something, so I appreciate your assistance in finding stuff to damn.
4. HUMAN: Am I perpetually single because I didn’t forward that chain letter in middle school?
GOD: Yes. I think the letter did the best it could to warn you. You didn’t listen!
5. HUMAN: How many times a day do you face-palm having to watch worldwide stupidity?
GOD: On the average day? About 11 times. That said, lately I’ve been averaging about 33 face-palms a day. There are a lot of hilariously stupid Republicans running for president right now and they all claim I told them to run. My face hurts.
6. HUMAN: Approximately how many humans do you regret? Because there are a few good ones out there…
GOD: Quite a few. 71% of the human race is actually pretty decent. But holy crap! The idiots sure do make Me face-palm a lot. Again, God’s face is sore. I may have ice it down tonight.
7. HUMAN: God, why do people hate each other and try to blame you for it?
GOD: Because they feel insecure about who they really are. They hate what is within themselves, so they take it out on others. Then they use Me as their frigging scapegoat. Man, I sure do intensely dislike those people.
8. HUMAN: What does the H stand for in Jesus H Christ?
GOD: Hussein. For PR reasons, the church tries to keep this under wraps.
9. HUMAN: Fighting a Jewish vampire…do I use a Cross…or a Star of David?
GOD: Star of David of course! You can use it like a Ninja throwing star. Just make sure it’s been sharpened and aim for the brain.