And now the answers to Ask God!
1. HUMAN: God, why the hell did you put hair on our butts!?!?!
GOD: Never take thy butt hair for granted, for it performs a vital service. If your body was a city, your genitals would be the playground and your anus would be the landfill. Your butt and taint hair is the fence that separates the two. Woes be to those who remove their butt hair fence! For they shall have their genitals all covered in shit.
2. HUMAN: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
GOD: Carmen Sandiego was murdered a long time ago, in the 1950’s. She’d been missing for a while, it was a huge news story. Then they discovered she’d been rubbed out by the mafia. No one had the heart to tell the kids, so they turned her story into some sick educational ‘game.’
3. HUMAN: If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus???
GOD: Nothing, really. I mean, he does have a religion about him, no big deal. He also has AMAZING lustrous hair. I think he uses Herbal Essences.
4. HUMAN: Who is God’s best friend?
GOD: God doesn’t have a best friend. Everyone just wants to kiss God’s divine butt in the hopes of getting a promotion or not getting smited. What can I say? Sometimes it’s hard being the ultimate ruler of the Universe. But at least I have millions of adoring fans.
5. HUMAN: God, are religious people getting crazier so we will have to abandon religion altogether so You can retire? Or is there some other reason Christians want to defend child molesters?
GOD: Stupidly religious people are always finding new crazy ways to shock the world with their stupidity. They do so to ‘help’ their religion, when really all they do is create more atheists by the day. If everyone becomes atheist, it doesn’t mean I’ll get to retire. It just means I’ll cease to exist…I think.
As for defending and protecting child molesters, anyone that does that is legitimately insane and you have God’s Permission to smite them with a vicious verbal onslaught.
6. HUMAN: What makes people so mean God? It sure seems like the Internet has brought out the nasty people in our society.
GOD: It’s easy to be mean on the Internet, because there are no possible consequences. Think about it. It’s much easier to give someone the finger while driving than it is walking past them on the street.
Most people hold a deep insecurity and shame about who they truly are. Rather than accept it and face the truth, they take their pain out on the world. On the Internet, people reveal their true souls.
7. HUMAN: God, why are the Republicans such unbelievable douchebags?
GOD: They worship this douchebag of a ‘god’ named Money. So when a Republican says that their ‘god’ told them to run for president, you know that they’re telling you the truth.
8. HUMAN: Dear God… too many questions about “why”, which doesn’t fix anything… not enough questions about “how”… like, how do we get rid of narrow-minded asinine individuals who want to make everyone miserable?
GOD: Never focus on how to get rid of a certain group of people, that is how genocides begin. Instead, focus your efforts on spreading ideas that change people for the better. It is true that misery loves company. It is also true that happiness just wants to be left the fuck alone.
Be nice to each other. Don’t be a dickhead.
These are the words of the LORD. The LORD has spoken.