And now the answers to ASK GOD!
1. HUMAN: I’m an atheist, but love FB God. Why are you so awesome?
GOD: Well for one thing, I answer your messages at around a rate of 52%. That’s way better than that other ‘god,’ whose response rate has been stuck at 0% for all of recorded time.
2. HUMAN: God, why are people such assholes to each other?
GOD: They don’t care about their fellow humans, so they act carelessly and selfishly. Being an asshole comes from lacking empathy. At the end of the day, being an asshole is a choice. Choose not to be an asshole.
3. HUMAN: God, can you get people to stop promoting the Confederate flag as if it’s something to be proud of?
GOD: Sadly, I can’t get everyone to do that because of free will. Again, It’s everyone’s choice to be an asshole or not. Luckily, more and more people are making better choices.
4. HUMAN: God, why do religious people always pray to you to fix things for them when they could just get off their ass and do it themselves?
GOD: I know, right? All they do is pester Me with their little wishes and requests!
“God, give me a new car.”
“God, make me taller.”
“God, help me pass the spelling test on Tuesday.”
“Blah, blah blah blah blah blah.”
It’s like they’re obsessed! These people need medication.
5. HUMAN: God when are you going to sort all the world’s shit out so we can be happy?
GOD: Please stop creating so much shit for Me to sort out. God can’t possibly be expected to keep up with the current supply of stupid human shit.
6. HUMAN: God, what is wrong with Mike Huckabee?
GOD: He was dropped on his head when he was a baby. Repeatedly.
7. HUMAN: God, do you believe in conservatives?
GOD: I’m pretty sure they exist, but I like to pretend that they don’t.
8. HUMAN: What does God think of Bernie Sanders?
GOD: He’s a mensch!
9. HUMAN: Hey God, how are you? No one seems to ask.
GOD: I’m doing well. Thanks for asking, mortal. God is loved. Also, God recently lost 10 pounds. All God had to do was stop eating carbs! I’m doing well.
10. HUMAN: God, are you more like…a George Burns God? Jim Carrie God? or Morgan Freeman God?
GOD: What about Alanis Morissette? The truth is, I’m flattered by all of these depictions. But if I had to choose? Alanis Morissette.